Doubt

It may sound kind of funny, but it’s not uncommon for me to hear songs come up on my phone that I’ve never heard before. I often download free songs on iTunes so I think it’s usually from that. Sometimes the song that comes up makes me go “What is THIS?!” (in a negative way) but other times it finds a way to strike a chord in me (in the best way).

As I ran my old neighborhood last weekend, I heard this song come up that I hadn’t heard before. It’s not really a great song to run along to but there was something about it that pulled me in and I couldn’t turn it off. I made note so I could go back, figure out what it was and listen again. Turns out it was Mary J Blige “Doubt” and it was exactly what I needed to hear.

This year is all about growth and figuring out what I want from my life. Some days I struggle with the fact that I feel no closer to that destination than before I started. Some days I not only doubt why I started this and dove head first, but I doubt everything.

I question people’s support; I question people’s sincerity; I question my relationships with people; I question my strength; I question my intentions; I question every decision I’ve ever made; I question my ability to make decisions for what my life looks like in 4 months when this is over.

I’m a girl who has lived her life by following her gut instincts and learning from every experience and situation life throws my way. I know and understand the ability for it to help me grow as a person and that ultimately each situation is leading me to where I’m ultimately supposed to end up. I don’t have the answers to all my questions and therefore I can’t answer them when people look at me with the same ones, but what I do know is that I need to stop doubting myself. I need to stop questioning everything I do and think and instead just remember to live and love and be ME.

At the end of the day, I will end up on top and the people who want to be in my life will be there, wherever that unknown place may be.

I have dreams and plans and I’ve only been on this earth for 28 years. While it may not feel like it sometimes, I don’t need to have all of the answers all of the time.

You said I’d never be a leader
You said I’d never wear a crown
If I wanted to be someone
I should learn to settle down

(You should know better) I tell myself
(You’ll never go further) I warn myself
(You’ll never be better) Don’t know me that well

I made it to the end
I nearly paid the cost
I lost a lot of friends
I sacrificed a lot
I’d do it all again
‘Cause I made it to the top
But I can’t keep doubting myself anymore

No! No
I can’t keep doubting myself no

Now you’re looking at a leader
Now you’re staring at a queen
You said I’ll never be someone
But now I’m pulling all the strings

(You should know better) Won’t let me back down
(You’ll never go further) Can’t turn me around
(You’ll never be better) So no-one’s stopping me now

I made it to the end
I nearly paid the cost
I lost a lot of friends
I sacrificed a lot
I’d do it all again
‘Cause I made it to the top
I can’t keep doubting myself anymore

No! No, no, no, no, oh no no, oh no

You think you know
But you don’t know the half
You think you beat me down
But I’ll have the last laugh
I’ll keep getting up
‘Cause that’s what I’m gonna do yea
I’m gonna be the best me
Sorry if it kills you

I made it to the end
I nearly paid the cost
I lost a lot of friends
I sacrificed a lot
I’d do it all again
‘Cause I made it to the top
But I can’t keep doubting myself anymore
No, oh no no no no,
I can’t keep doubting myself no, no no oh no oh no oh no

Do you doubt yourself?

What do you do in those moments to squash all that doubt and keep moving forward?