Sometimes I want to try and bring this blog back (for real); sometimes I want to block every single person I know to see if I can just talk freely and openly about everything without leading them to suddenly worry about me; to be able to talk about being in your mid-30’s, single, (happily) child-free, but really discontent with nearly every aspect of your life.
Yes, I know how dramatic that sounds.
But there’s something to be said about being in your mid 30’s, not having a partner, not interested in having children, feeling like you’re forgotten (or maybe just ignored), and watching every other person in your life achieve all these big life milestones.
Sure, there are some that I’m not interested in personally having, but there are some that I am. And for some reason, they’re feeling so out of reach. Like as hard as I work at saving money, life throws me a curveball that clears out my emergency fund, and then healthcare costs keep hitting so I can’t catch back up or keep saving. Like as much as I do “all the right things” to grow my own business, I’m continuing to plateau and lose money while others jump in without knowing what they’re doing and grow. Like as much as I try to show up on dating apps, I’m not attracting anyone of interest.
I have never wanted to live an “ordinary” life. I have never wanted children; I have never wanted to work a traditional 9-to-5 job; I have never wanted to be the person who grew up and moved back to their hometown; and yet, here I am.
I work a 9 to 5 which is not what I want to do with my life and barely covers the bills; I live in a suburb only a few minutes from the one that I grew up in, and I am watching everybody else’s lives and businesses unfold on social media. (Yes, I know. Comparison is the thief of joy. Easier said than done sometimes.)
I don’t know where this is going and I don’t know what is next but I do know that I’m fighting like hell for the life that I want to live.
My hope is that maybe my showing up vulnerable as hell is the start of my writing my own story. Maybe this is when I get to stop living the life that everybody else told me I was supposed to want because they were too fucking scared of the life that I wanted for myself.
Fuck that shit.
When I started this blog, I was still working in the music industry and would share music that I was loving, finding, and was resonating with. While out on a walk with the pup this evening, I put some music on versus listening to podcasts, and the whole Spotify playlist I was listening to was resonating that I thought I’d share a song to go with this post. I couldn’t decide which song I would share until finishing writing this and “Freakin’ Out on the Interstate” by Briston Maroney came on…this is it. Here’s our winner. Feels fitting. Feels right.