I started blogging over 9 years ago. After enjoying reading blogs, I decided I wanted to dive into the world of blogging myself. It seemed fun and writing seemed like a great outlet. I look back on some of those old posts and cringe or giggle, but it’s also fun. The blog has taken many avenues over the years from being more of a public journal to sharing useful content to talking about music, being a source of income, and more. It’s evolved (in many ways) with the changing landscape of the blogging industry, and in many ways, it didn’t keep up.
I didn’t get into blogging for it to be a career or my main source of income. I had opportunities for free products and paid sponsorships, and I was always grateful for each of those opportunities. As the world of blogging became more of a business, the harder it became to keep up, and I always tried. This is starting to sound like a post that will be my last but I assure you that’s not the case. This is a post about taking my blog BACK.
Writing has always been an outlet of mine. As a kid that often was in the form of song lyrics or poems, which turned into this blog, and now most writing for me is in the form of journaling. Sometimes I journal in a notebook; sometimes I journal in a Google doc; sometimes I share it with others; most of the time, I don’t. But I want to do more of it. I want to keep writing as it’s a creative outlet that allows me to focus my energy in a positive and useful way. And like pieces of a puzzle, I’ve started to put together that without my creative outlets, there’s always a missing piece.
As an Enneagram 4, I’ve learned that I need an outlet for my energy, I need to be creative, I’m always striving to be different but I also often don’t feel seen. Sometimes the great big world of blogging makes you feel really invisible. Google Analytics shows me how many people visit (or don’t visit for that matter) my site every day. Instagram shows us how many likes, comments, video views we get, and they hold us back from tools that help grow our business if we don’t have enough followers (I mean, are you fucking kidding me? Why do I need 10k followers to be able to get that feature unlocked on my BUSINESS account?).
I say all this because sometimes I feel like I got lost in the world of the numbers and forgot why I love writing and blogging, whether or not anyone actually reads it.
I’ve also been reintroducing more music into my life and I’m trying to sing every day. Not for show, not for anyone, just to reignite the power of my own personal voice. As an ex-musicial theatre student, soundtracks were an easy go-to. There’s been Les Mis, Wicked, and The Greatest Showman playing inside these four walls the last few weeks. One night while sitting in the bathtub singing, my soundtrack ended and in Spotify fashion, they picked up with similar songs. This was the first time I heard “She Used to Be Mine” by Sara Bareilles from the ‘Waitress’ Soundtrack and it felt like it was written for me.
I’ll give the caveat because I don’t know much about the storyline of ‘Waitress’ but I know these lyrics speak to my heart.
She’s imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won’t ask for help
She is messy, but she’s kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine
I don’t know what the lyrics mean to you, but to me, I’m looking back on a version of myself that’s been missing for many years. I have big dreams and big goals, and for so many years I never let their size, magnitude, or other people’s belief that I could achieve them hold me back. I’ve been an aspiring entrepreneur since I graduated college, and while at the time, I didn’t think I wanted to start my own business, I very quickly just threw myself into managing bands because I was sick of waiting for someone ELSE to show me how to do it or give me a shot to try. If you don’t know my story, this is where I tell you that I’m the original manager for The Lumineers (yes, those Lumineers).
6 years ago, I found myself wrestling a big decision. I had an idea for a country-wide charity fundraising tour that felt so heavy on my heart. I either needed to move to Boston for a work (a city I love but a company that was not willing to budge on a salary to support living there) or quit my job and dive head-first into the unknown. At this point in my life, there was only one option. I chose the latter. I quit my job. Against the strong opinions from my family not to, I did it anyway.
Without diving into the details of that project (as you may or may not know was called 50 States in a Year) or the many mistakes I made and lessons I learned, this was a turning point in my life. One that only recently did I realize the capacity to which I’m still learning to forgive and trust myself again.
The point being, this song hit me. The feeling like I’m gone. Me. That feeling cuts deep. And honestly, it holds me back. I miss that old version of myself. I miss the excitement to write every day, to work towards new dreams, to keep building my fire. I know I don’t show up as my best self and I’m sure it holds me back in my career, relationships (friendships and romantic), and as I try to re-ignite my inner flame to work towards my new dreams.
So what’s the point of this whole thing? If any of this resonates; if those lyrics hit your heart; if my stories reach to something inside of you that feels the same, it’s because I want you to know that you’re not alone.
You are not alone.
I’ll say it as many times as I need to.
You are not alone.
But it doesn’t have to be this way.
I’m taking back my blog so I have my outlet back. You’ll still hear about new yoga classes on my YouTube channel and I still hope to share things that are of value to you, but don’t be surprised if my heart pops in like this once and awhile. SEO won’t know what to do about this, but that’s not the point.
It’s time to take back the girl I used to be who keeps getting lost in the haze.
If you need a friend in your own journey to do so, I’m here for you. You are not alone.