I’m someone who is very easy to read. That’s something I never will (nor could ever) deny. I wear my heart on my sleeves and how I’m feeling is always written all over my face. Some people can obviously read me better than others can but it never ceases to amaze me when someone can quickly tap into me and who I am.
I’ve mentioned several times that Sam and I have a favorite little chocolate shop/cafe/bar that we often go to work. It’s about half-way between both of our places so it’s a great meeting point. Over the last couple of months, we’ve definitely become regulars and the employees and owners know us well. It’s not uncommon for us to have a drink or enjoy some chocolate with them, especially one in particular.
Tuesday night when Sam and I were there, one of the owners sat down and joined us for awhile and we got into some deep conversations. We all talked about our pasts – jobs, relationships, etc. The biggest past of my life was brought up (aka The Lumineers) and while I’m miles and miles ahead of where I used to be, there’s still no doubt there’s a lot of hurt involved with that whole thing.
I saw this quote awhile back…
…and I immediately thought of that situation. But sometimes I can’t help it, sometimes those feelings and all that pain and hurt float up to the surface and I am reminded of the apology I never got.
I’ll be honest, I have this board that sits in the back of my closet. I saved it after the first time the band came to LA and played at the Apple Store where I worked. I was supposed to be saving it for them and a time they came through and had the space in the van to bring it back to Colorado with them. Obviously, that never happened and for some reason, I continue to carry this stupid board around like I’m trying to still hold up my end of things.
Usually it’s not in my way. I move and stick it in the back of a closet, never to be seen until the next move. But unfortunately when it resurrects before that move, the hurt comes rushing back so fresh, new and strong. Why am I telling you this?
For a few reasons: 1 – My life isn’t all sunshine and butterflies and yours isn’t either. Neither is the person down the street or the coworker that drives you nuts. Next time you try to play the comparison game, remember that. 2 – Because I’m sick of holding it in. I’m sick of saying that I want an apology, I want credit for what I did to help get them where they are today, and I want a “thank you” for the years of busting my butt to help get them however far we could go. 3 – Because it’s Thinking Out Loud day and today, this is what’s on my mind.
I understand. Sometimes all I want is that apology. No action required other than a SINCERE apology. Some sort of validation. If you figure out how to let go, pass your secret along to me.
Will do. And if you learn, you can pass your secret along to me.
I definitely hold on to things, and sometimes too long. But it can feel so good to let go. (and also so so hard).
So so hard…
I’m sorry, girl. I think we all have those scars that refuse to heal up completely, and I think it’s a lifelong effort to learn to let them go. We can’t change circumstances and situations… the only thing we can do is control how we react and think about them. Easier said than done, but I feel like life is always giving us something to work on…
That’s very true! I can’t deny that. Every day and every year that goes by, the scar heals a bit more.
I am a very empathetic person. Because of that, it always boggles my mind at how un-empathetic others are. Like you, it is hard for me to get over that stuff and move on. I always just hope that the lessons learned were worth that pain :).
I choose to think they are. As hard as it may be at times.