And I must go?
It’s not usually a question but sometimes it feels like it, or maybe the question is actually HOW? WHERE? HOW LONG? BY MYSELF?
I’ve always had this desire to go to the mountains and lately, it’s been getting stronger. I think of Colorado. I think of Iceland. I think of how grounding it feels to be in nature and surrounded by the tall peaks that take your breath away with their beauty. How just looking at their structure anchors you to the present moment just like they’re anchored into Earth.
After sharing my enjoyment of changing my location throughout my workday, my friend asked if I knew my Human Design environment. I didn’t, but I knew this would be beneficial so I started hunting down how to figure it out and when I couldn’t find it on one chart I pulled, I tried other sources until I found one that told me.
“For these folks, it is about elevation, oxygen, and a vantage point; think high rise, seats in the nose bleeds, an SUV over a Miata. They need solo getaways in nature to tap into their correct perspective. And they need to BREATHE. Mountains folks see the big picture + have expansive viewpoints but they need to get outta town to recalibrate. …it’s often about balancing time in resonant community and retreat. “
That resonates with me so much. Take me to the mountains. Take me out of town. Help me recalibrate with my inner being.
I’ve been feeling the stress of my life lately, of my health. I’ve been struggling with the excitement for others taking new steps forward in their lives while simultaneously feeling a bit left behind. Even for those who have different desires for their lives than me, I see the gap growing. I worry about my friends, my lifelines, getting further from me. The loneliness of that thought overtakes me.
I see the anxiety trying to consume me as I wait for test results. The “hurry up and wait” mode of it all to possibly still not have answers. …though, my instincts tell me they’ll be there or that we’re at least getting a lot closer. I’ve turned to Dr. Google and found what resonates and think I’ve found my problem, but then the overwhelm of “how?” strikes. The wondering if my new doctor can help me figure out if this is actually it or if I have to keep hunting and convincing doctors to give me the time of day, to listen to me, to see me.
And somehow, I still desire to try and find love in all this madness. To find someone who will love me, support me, listen to me, cry with me, and care for me, especially when I feel like no one else will.
Needless to say…I’m exhausted.
I want a getaway. I want the mountains. Solitude with the stars. Breathing in the fresh air. The disconnection from all.