The Run I Needed But Didn’t Get

I’ve said it so many times before, not every run will be a good run, and it takes those bad runs to make us really appreciate the good ones when we are so blessed to have them.

But let’s back up a bit…I had a frustrating day yesterday. Just one of those days that you just can’t figure out. I’m not going to go into more detail about it but I went to bed early last night knowing I had a long run planned for the morning and could just run out my frustration and hurt. I even woke up this morning feeling like the originally planned 11 miles was possible (note: while 11 was on the schedule I was willing to cut it down to 6 or 8 mid run if needed due to Murph‘s lingering soreness). And then I hit the trail.

The first few steps felt amazing and then I started feeling it…the soreness in my left leg and glutes, the tightness in my chest but even more so, the doubt and hurt in my mind that just quickly took over everything.

I reminded myself 6 was ok and committed to the 3 mile turn around point and said I could even take a moment and rest, catch my breath and stretch it out. I struggled to that point and when I got there I stopped. And I stared.

I stared at the 3 miles I had to run back. I stared at the frustration from the day before. I stared at my future and all the questions I have about it and won’t know the answers to until I actually get there and it becomes the present.

I watched as bikers passed me and I just stood there trying to figure out how I was supposed to get myself back to my car. Running is my therapy and at this moment it was letting me down.

I finally got up the courage to start running again and while I wish I could tell you I ran those 3 miles back with every bit of my heart, I can’t say that. I ran about a minute and then shut off my app, started walking, ripped off my arm band and started typing up this post in the notes app on my phone. I did all I could to not throw myself on the ground and start crying like a 2 year old.

I’ll tell you, I wasn’t that far off! And if it weren’t for the mosquitos that started attacking me after ½-¾ mile of walking, I would have walked the rest of the way back but ended up running the last 2 miles just to avoid turning into a giant mosquito-bitten marshmallow (yes, I am that allergic!).

Not every run is going to be a good one and not every run is going to be one that we can push through. Sometimes it’s about accepting that as it is and not expecting anything more from it.