Today was rough. Well mostly this afternoon. My morning at work was productive and my pain was staying at a tolerable level. Thankfully, most of the day the pain has stayed at a tolerable level (thanks to the help of some pain meds, of course).
I received the official procedure date this morning and after eating a quick lunch, called the doctor’s office back for more details and to schedule my pre-surgery visit. I keep saying that as soon as I get the real date, I’ll be able to breathe; I’ll see the light at the end of the tunnel; the answers to months of questions; the road to pain free days.
Well, that didn’t quite happen today. Instead I went into the over-thinking; the worrying; the crying; the fear. It was good that I was on my lunch break but I couldn’t hide from anyone. I tried sitting on the ground away from the store and had random passerbys ask me where I got my coffee, if I was okay and to smile. It was great that even those who didn’t know me showed concern, but it didn’t help. I wanted to hide. Looking back, I should have walked to my car and hid there. But when it was time, I gained composure and went back into work.
Sometimes it’s to my benefit and sometimes it hinders me, but I can be read like a book and this was definitely one of those moments. One of my managers took me out the back door as the water works took over once again. A few minutes of hugs, talking and support and I was able to get through the rest of my afternoon.
I’m not telling you this for a sympathy vote but because this blog is about my journey through my life and while I like to keep things relatively up-beat and happy, I also want to keep it real. And these moments of discovering and figuring out what’s going on in my body are real. And my reactions and emotions (and over-thinking tendencies) are real.
After work was over, pain was still tolerable, additional pain medication was taken and I decided to head over to the yoga studio. It had been awhile since I’d gone to a class (other than the 20-30 minute podcast sessions I’ve done at home). I went to Chani’s “Be Here Now” flow which I knew would be challenging and I was okay with that. Turns out, that was exactly what was needed tonight.
90 minutes later and my legs were shaking. And as I lay in savasana, I had my first moment where I thought about all of this and it wasn’t fear, negativity or anxiety, but rather “I didn’t think about any of that for the last 90 minutes. This is exactly what I needed.” I could breathe again.
The fear is still there; the anxiety is still there. But in this moment I can breathe and relax and take a more controlled approach to my thinking. Whether this feeling lasts long or not, doesn’t matter because right now, I’m more at ease.
Yoga is such an amazing thing.
We need more of it in our lives.
I need more of it in my life.
**After reading my good friend’s blog the other evening, she decided that for the month of November, she’s posting something she’s grateful for; something as simple as a picture or quote or possibly something lengthy. In the month that we come together and share what we’re grateful and thankful for, there seems to be no better way. And it’s with that that I have decided to join her. Will you join us? #gratefulseason